My Addiction
by oathkeeper-girl
Summary: In which Cartman admits he has an addiction, and it's a very serious problem.
1. Chapter 1

"Mom, you cannot make me go in there!"

"Oh, Eric honey you'll be just fine. There are other kids like you here and I'm sure you'll make plenty of friends."

"They're not like me at all! They're a bunch of fat-"

"Eric Cartman!" his mother scolded. "Young man you are going whether you like it or not! I'm glad Mrs. Broflovski suggested it the other day. All this eating is making you aggressive."

'Damn evil Jews' he thought. 'Always trying to make this world a worse place.' "They're brainwashing you mom! Can't you see? Mrs. Broflovski is an evil bi-"

"That is enough! You're going and that's final." Eric huffed. 'Stupid woman, falling victim to the Jews.' They stepped through a pair of glass doors emblazoned with the initials WCC. Eric looked around suspiciously.

"Welcome to WCC!" An all too cheery voice called out. "And you must be," she looked at her list then to Eric,"Eric Cartman! What a pleasure!" She shook his mother's hand and introduced herself. "My name is Lyndsy Homan and I am the head councilor here at WCC-"

"Wait, wait, wait, hold on," he interrupted," your name is Lyndsy Ho-Man?" She nodded her head. Eric burst out in laughter. "No kidding? HAHAHAHAHAHA! OH MY GOD! I CAN'T BREATH! LYNDSY HO- MAN? That's worse than that ho Lindsey Lohan!" He wiped a tear from his eye and sighed, clutching his stomach. The councilor's cheeks were on fire. Eric's mother apologized immediately and chastised him.

"Eric Theodore Cartman, you apologize right now!" Eric continued laughing.

"HO-MAN! THAT'S PRICELESS!"

"Um, I'm really sorry. I'm really hoping this will help him with his aggression problem." Eric stopped laughing.

"Mom! I said I don't have a problem!" The councilor smiled cheekily.

"Well then, Eric, seems like you'll be with me and Mr. Thompson."

"Okay then, can I have just one minute to use the bathroom?" She arched an eyebrow.

"Okay but hurry back hun," his mother replied.

Eric ran into the bathroom knocking down another child to get through.

"Move kid!" The boy ran out crying. Eric looked around hurriedly. He spotted a window above the sinks. "Bingo."

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

"Oh yes Mrs. Cartman, I'm sure you're son will love it here, all the children do."

"MOOOOOOOOM!" A boy ran towards them wailing. Lyndsy looked down at her son.

"Tristan what's wrong?"

"S-some kid p-pushed me d-down in the bathroom!" She shot a look at Mrs. Cartman. They both walked to the restroom.

"Eric come out this instant!" she yelled through the door.

"Just a minute!" he called back.

"NOW OR I'M GOING IN THERE!"

"Hold on!"

"I'm giving you to the count of three, one!"

"Just a second!"

"Two...Three!" Mrs. Cartman walked in and looked around. Eric held his breath. She looked in all the stalls. "Where is he?" she mumbled. She turned to Lyndsy, who was staring up, and followed her gaze.

"There he is! That's the kid!" he yelled. Eric was stuck halfway through the window. He wiggled his legs to try and free himself but to no avail.

"Need a little help?" His mom burst out in laughter.

"Mom! This is not funny!" he whined.

"I'm sorry hun that's just so... ironic," she laughed. His butt and stomach jiggled everytime he tried to move.

"GAH! GET ME OUT!"

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

Lyndsy had called the fire department and they arrived ten minutes later.

"Yup, he's stuck pretty good all right," the fireman commented. "Somebody hand me the Jaws of Life."

"That won't hurt him, will it?" his mom asked worriedly.

"Of course not... at least not much..."

"WHAT? OH NO, NO, NO, NO!" The fireman pried the frame up and off. Cartman slipped out.

"Oh thank you sir! If there is anything- Anything- I can do for you, please don't hesitate to ask."

"MA!"

"Well, his first class should be ready to start in a couple of minutes -"

"Its Ms. Cartman," she winked at the fireman.

"MA!"

"Mama is busy right now Cartman."

"Lets go Cartman," the councilor said happily. 'Damn Ginger! They're just as bad as Jews.'

She led him to a small room with a bunch of chairs in a circle. At least fifteen other kids were there. Cartman peered around.

"HAHAHA! CRAIG? What are YOU doing here?"

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

A/N: I was bored and I wanted some South Park C: I also felt like writing about Cartman so I came up with this. This is only gonna be two parts just cuz I felt like writing and I need to work on my skills. Anyways, like? Hate? Review!

-NobodyheartXIII


	2. Chapter 2

"What are YOU doing here?" Cartman asked smugly.

"Don't say a word," he muttered, flipping Eric off.

"Unfortunately, Craig, you can't tell me what to do." Craig tugged on his hat and mumbled unintelligibly.

"Sorry, what was that? I didn't quite catch it."

"I said, my mom thinks I'm not eating enough." Eric stared at him blankly for a moment.

"Not eating...Ha! That's what you get you anorexic little bitch!"

"Shut up Cartman! I'm not anorexic-"

"Yeah and you also don't sleep with Stripe shoved up your ass."

"Yeah, and if I had wheels I'd be a wagon." Eric stared at him for a moment. "I can do this all day Eric, just try me."

"You know what, screw you Craig, I'm going home." The boy turned to leave and bumped into a tall man with a thick mustache. "Who the hell are you?"

"I'm your councilor Mr. Thompson and you must be Eric, Ms. Homan warned me about you," he trailed off, "Well let's get started."

"Where's the ho-man?"

"Ms. Homan won't be joining us, she left early today and now I know why. Oh, and Eric please don't use those kind of words here. Okay, so who would like to go first?"

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

"My name is Eric Cartman, and I am addicted... to hating Jews." The councilor pinched the bridge of his nose tightly.

"God help me," he muttered,"Okay, Eric, for the upteenth time, that is not why you are here."

"It's not?"

"No, Eric. This is fat- weight control camp," he sighed heavily. Only two hours and he was damn near ready to rip his hair out. All he wanted right now was a Lavender salt bubble bath. Damn that stupid contract he signed. Now he knew why no one wanted the job, but he needed to pay his publisher somehow. He'd written a book entitled, _All I Wanted Was To Be a Stripper at A Gentleman's Club Named Candy But I Was Born a Man. _He just knew it would sell but for the time being he had to work at this stupid fat camp because apparently money doesn't just fall out of trees. 'Although, it is South Park and weirder stuff has happened,' he thought. His attention was pulled back to the Hell that was his work when he heard laughter.

"Tammy, no! NO! Do not eat that chair!" he exclaimed.

"Its 'cause she's a stupid, fat-ass Ginger!" Cartman sneered.

"Eric we don't use our hate words here. Like the pledge says," he faked a smile," WCC is an awesome, safe, caring place where we encourage each other to-"

"Would you shut up with that crap already?" Eric yelled. "Peace and Love are for hippies!"

"Eric-"

"I remember I had this wonderful dream," he started in a sing-song voice," Hitler was president and I was his vice president and the Jews were all tortured- especially Kyle! We set fire to all the synagogues, shredded all the Torahs,- Oh it was beautiful! The smoke turned into soaring Eagles and I could hear them cawing- 'Thank you Cartman, you have saved the world from the stupid Jews! The world is a safer place now thanks to you.' Then Jesus descended from the smoke and made me King of heaven!" The councilor sat in awe.

"...Kid, you need a different kind of help."

"Tell me about it," Craig huffed.

"So we were marching to Kyle's house to rub me being vice president in his Jewish face," Cartman continued as if he hadn't heard,"hold on lemme' just flash back a moment. Swoosh shwoosh swoosh." The children stared at him as he waved his hands in circles making what he considered to be flashback noises. Craig slapped his forehead.

"Cartman you're an idiot."

"Shut up Craig! All right, so we marched to Kyle's house and when his mom answered the door we sang the 'Kyle's Mom is A Bitch' song. After that I made Kyle get on his knees and suck my-"

"That's enough Eric," Mr. Thompson was a scarlet color. Who was this kid?

"Whateva, I do what I want," Cartman quipped.

"Anyone else wanna' go?" he asked pinching the bridge of his nose.

"That wasn't the best part!" Cartman cried.

"Okay never mind this session is over anyway." Cartman's mom waited for him patiently at the door.

"How was your first session hun?"

"Oh it was great mom!" he replied innocently," I made tons of new friends!"

"Yes, um Eric was very good today, no trouble at all. I recommend taking him out of the program, he showed major improvement, no aggression at all," Mr. Thompson lied in hopes he would never see Eric again.

"Well if he's doing so well..."

"If I'm lying, may God strike Kenny with lightening at this very moment," Eric encouraged.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Kenny walked out of the store happily, holding the newest edition of Playboy. He finally saved up enough to buy a new one and was very pleased with himself but he never got past the cover because a sudden, random bolt of lightening came out of nowhere and shocked him where he stood. He died instantly.

Stan paused his videogame and felt his eye twitch. Something felt wrong. He had a bad feeling in his stomach. Then, it hit him.

"Oh my God, Cartman killed Kenny!" he shouted.

Kyle stopped in the middle of a sentence he was reading in his book and Stan could hear him shout from his house.

"That bastard!"

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

A/N: So that was the 2nd chapter. I couldn't resist putting the line Craig says about the wagon c: Did you guys know that wold be Eric's "addiction"? Hahaha and about Kenny, I couldn't help it. He had to be mentioned, he's my fav character. So, good ending? Sucky ending? Tell me in a review! Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed!

Much love, NobodyheartXIII


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